Hard Soap, Hard Soap, Uncut (1977)

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Description: Soap opera porn spoof about two housewives.
Scene Breakdowns
Scene 1. Laurien Dominique, Carl Regal
Scene 2. Candida Royalle, Peter Johns
Scene 3. Laurien Dominique
Scene 4. Candida Royalle, Jon Martin
Scene 5. Candida Royalle, Blair Harris
Scene 6. Laurien Dominique, John Holmes
Scene 7. Laurien Dominique, Paul Thomas
Scene 8. Candida Royalle, Ken Scudder
Scene 9. Laurien Dominique, Ken Scudder
Scene 10. Candida Royalle, guy, Jeff Lyle
Scene 11. Laurien Dominique, Bekkouche Simon
Scene 12. Anita Jensen, Sabrina
Scene 13. Joan Devlon, Sabrina
Scene 14. Anita Jensen, Sabrina
Scene 15. Joan Devlon, John Holmes
Scene 16. Laurien Dominique, John Holmes
Review:
Styled as a takeoff on the then-popular TV series "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman", Bob Chinn's HARD SOAP, HARD SOAP is a well-written and extremely well-acted porn comedy from the Golden Age. It features Chinn's amanuensis John C. Holmes, but is much more professional an effort than their much-ridiculed "Johnny Wadd" films.

In casting a little too close to the bone Holmes plays Dr. Holmes, a shrink who has his own problem: he can't achieve an erection, much to the consternation of his beautiful wife Laurien Dominique. The fact that the real Holmes never could get an erection, but managed to coast through hundreds of porn films by virtue of the length of his semi-flaccid organ, is cheated by the predictable finale that pretends his problem is solved. I'm surprised the ill-fated star laid his problem on the table so baldly, so to speak.

Dominique is wonderful -looking great and acting even better, in this movie recommended to anyone who's not yet a fan of hers. Matching her scene for scene is her BFF played by neighbor Candida Royalle, a wise-cracking lady who tries to help out and keeps causing trouble. Chinn lays on the satire by occasionally playing sappy organ music dating back to radio soap operas.

Paul Thomas also has a terrific acting assignment as an uppity janitor who rapes Laurien anally one night, with the resulting upsetting of her psyche -she's ashamed that she enjoyed it! Film climaxes comically with a well-directed ensemble scene of guest star Joan Devlon (my own personal favorite) as Laurien's sister, who's wearing dark glasses because she's psychosomatically blind, having been frightened out of her wits in a parking lot at the sight of a 14-inch schlong belonging to a flasher. Quick as you can say "John Holmes" Dr. Holmes is enlisted to cure her with his like-sized member and it does the trick, for both of them. Happy ending for Laurien, and the fans have plenty to be thankful for.

Besides such an all-star cast, including Ken Scudder as a solid lover for Candida, film is unusual in featuring a transsexual player in the climactic Joan Devlon group scene. She/he is in the "chicks with dicks" genre made popular years later, but I certainly can't recall such casting in mainstream porn circa 1977 -the earliest I remember is Sulka making a minor splash in the early 1980s.

Chinn also includes a funny, burlesque style, non-sex routine involving one Rev. Hope (Dale Meador) of the Universal Church of Life. This balding coot is called in to comfort and advise Laurien after her Paul Thomas-encounter, and his delayed punchline routine with Laurien and Candida is genuinely funny.

John Seeman and Joey Silvera are credited, but neither appears in the abbreviated version currently on DVD-R from Something Weird in its Dragon Art Theatre series.
Penny and Linda are two happy housewives who just can’t help but want to solve everyone else’s personal problems. But Penny has big problems of her own, namely with her psychiatrist husband, Dr. John Holmes, whose romantic abilities have been unbearably hindered. As Penny and Linda find themselves besieged by a never-ending supply of perverts, weirdos, and other types of misfits they decide it’s time to take matters into their own hands to return their lives to idyllic suburban bliss. HARD SOAP, HARD SOAP is an imaginative and original sex-filled satire of soap operas.

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